Guest Contributor Suzanne Samson on Unconscious Choices: Robbers of Growth and Fulfillment
What do these three women have in common?
- One waves to an acquaintance on the other side of the street and, when she gets no response, thinks, “Well, I don’t like her that much anyway.”
- Another, reading the bulletin board in the company cafeteria, skims past the announcement that a company softball team is forming, reminding herself that, “I’m not really good at team sports.”
- A third, who suggests a valuable new idea in a meeting at work and, when the group doesn’t immediately embrace it, falls silent, she can almost hear her mother’s voice saying, “Don’t be pushy!”
Each woman has made a decision based on incomplete or outdated information. AND each decision supports limiting beliefs that are likely to restrict future behavior.
The first woman believes that the way someone responds to a friendly gesture shows her whether they can be friends. She is likely to act distant the next time she sees the acquaintance, and the friendship is less likely to develop.
The second woman believes that she has to be “good at team sports” in order to enjoy or contribute to the team. She may not even go to the softball game to cheer the team on.
The woman on the work team believes that doing more than mentioning a new idea is “pushy” and inappropriate. It may be a while before she suggests another new idea.
In each case, an unconscious decision or belief has closed off new possibilities. How often does this happen to you?
Why do we do this?
If you’re like most of us, you make decisions out of habit, based on inadequate information all the time.
Part of the reason is that life today is complex, the pace is fast, and we are bombarded with information during almost every waking moment. We simply don’t have time to ask, “Is what I’ve always done still working for me?”
Plus, most of us feel safer and more centered if we feel we can explain what’s going on in our lives to ourselves — however inaccurate that explanation may be. It’s scary at first to say, “I simply don’t know enough at this point to make a decision about that.” And so we make hasty unconscious decisions even when they limit us.
What are some other choices?
Luckily, not every choice requires deep deliberation – or we’d be drowning in a sea of unmade decisions. But each of us has areas where quick, unexamined decisions (usually based on things that happened when we were younger and less skilled) keep us from enjoying new people, new situations and new aspects of ourselves. Think for a minute – you probably know what yours are.
Luckily, the first step to moving beyond these habits isn’t complicated. It takes practice, but it’s a new habit you can develop. That is, to become aware of when you’re making a choice AND to recognize that there are other possible choices. Sounds simple, but it’s powerful.
If the woman whose acquaintance didn’t wave back did this, perhaps she would consider that the woman might simply be focused on something else and could still be a terrific person to know. If the second woman stopped to ask if that mattered to every team, she might find that THIS team was created just to relax after work and wasn’t focused on winning – or that she can have fun simply going to the game and cheering them on. And if the third woman considered the possibility that the group’s reaction didn’t necessarily mean that the idea wasn’t valuable, perhaps she might ask for feedback on how to encourage the group to consider it.
What would you discover if you spent just a couple of hours one day listening to your mind as it creates meaning out of the things that happen to and around you? Before you file them away in the same old mental compartment, ask yourself these questions: “Do I absolutely know that this is still right for me? What other viewpoints could be true?” If you accept this invitation, you’ll be taking a big step toward shifting from habitual thinking to exploring what’s possible. And you’ll find that more is possible than you ever dreamed.
The eSSSence of Suzanne Samson
Style: Definitely faded jeans, t-shirt and sandals: easygoing and comfortable.
Substance: The opportunity to combine things and ideas in new, more beautiful or powerful ways, and see strengths in people that they themselves overlook.
Soul: Creating a safe haven for others to explore who they are becoming.
I really liked this column. Great reminder & reality check.
Aaah, so true! I know that my fears and misconceptions have led to missing out on many things over time. This is a lovely reminder that we should give new things a try no matter the fear; what’s the worst that can happen? I just finished an excellent novel called “The Breaking of Eggs” by Jim Powell about a man whose entire life was based on fallacies; the story is about it all unraveling. It stands alone as a great read, but after reading this article by Suzanne Samson, I see that novel as another reminder for living our lives fully. Thanks for this thought-provoking article!
ah yes. I know what you mean. I spoke to my older brother on the phone last night, and my personality time-warped back to when I was 11 years old, and he was 18…old habits are hard to break.