The Truth About College — And Life by Amy
We recently made the drive from Solana Beach to Northern California to get our oldest daughter Sophie ready to start her second year at Berkeley. This year felt very different from last year. This year the car was full of stuff to make a starter home, a first apartment, a personal space.
This year, after a less-than-perfect dorm experience, Sophie was headed for a two bedroom apartment she would share with a friend. This move felt more permanent than the move to a dorm which hundreds — maybe thousands — of kids had occupied before her and would continue to occupy after her brief albeit unpleasant time there. This year she was actually living somewhere, not just staying somewhere. This place was her first home that wasn’t my home. This year she and Paul said a blessing as we hung a mezuzah on her bedroom door, a mezuzah she had been saving since her Bat Mitzvah for her first apartment. This year we would buy and assemble furniture, hang art on the walls, stock food in the refrigerator, fill her space with stuff for living a life. Her life. Independent from her life as a member of our family. She was ready, but was I?
During her senior year in high school, I was overwhelmed with the thought of Sophie leaving, never living in our house again. Once we took her up to school, that feeling left me. This year, leaving her apartment with all her stuff in place, it returned. It is ominous.
People who have traveled this road before me say, “You won’t be sad when you see your child is so happy.” That may be true, and “sad” isn’t really the word I would use to describe my complicated set of emotions surrounding this life shift in our family. It is too simple a word. But what if your child isn’t “so happy?” I cannot believe I am the only mother of a child who wasn’t “so happy” her first year of college. At many times, however, I felt like the only mother talking honestly about it.
Shortly after the move up, while we were all back home for the last few weeks of summer, Sophie included, I reconnected with a woman I had not seen in several years. She is the mother of three, and her youngest had just left for the first year away at college. She and I started catching up, and when she asked about Sophie’s first year away, I hesitated, and gave a short, honest answer which wasn’t the positive pat answer which I have found most mothers give in a social setting like this. But then again, I am not most mothers. She immediately leaned in, touched my arm, thanked me for my honesty and revealed her own daughter’s less than ideal start to college life. She urged me to write about it, to encourage other mothers and girls to be open and honest. To tell the truth. She is convinced, as am I, that if more people were open about their feelings, their insecurities, their failures, their true life experiences rather than what we call in our family the “holiday card version of life,” we wouldn’t all feel so alone in our struggles.
I remember years ago, when another friend of mine was struggling with being a new mother, I gave her an honest account of my struggles with the same situation, for which she was grateful. She often still mentions how much that conversation meant to her at the time. I had since embraced motherhood, clearly loved and cared for my children, but my recounting of my struggles was not the most flattering image of me. In order to comfort and ease my friend’s pain, I put that aside, something I often do for and about myself when I feel a situation calls for that. I have been less revealing about my children, in general, to protect their privacy and their frailties, but I have a feeling they are as open and honest about themselves, much like I am, in their own circles.
I mention it now, here, because perhaps Sophie wouldn’t have struggled as much as she did with what was probably a not-so-great year, but also a not-so- terrible year, and not all that unusual of a year either. Maybe if she had had a realistic image of the first year of college, complete with some of the messy, unpleasant details of all the emotions that can befall a college freshman, she — and I — would have taken it in stride a bit more than we did. Maybe she wouldn’t have felt there was something wrong with her, when really there wasn’t. I imagine more people have had experiences like hers than like the Hollywood movie version of college. If the small sampling of the people I have had honest conversations with are any indication, Sophie’s year was more the norm than the exception — something Sophie and I have both come to learn, in hindsight, now that the year is over.
So, to all the people in my life who have been open and honest with me about the initial pain of breast feeding, the difficulties of being in a long marriage, the betrayal to expect by my body during menopause, or warned me about the erratic nature of the waves of grief, I thank you. And to those of you who ask, “How’s your mom doing?” or “How is college going?” be ready for an honest answer. Because, unlike Garrison Keillor, I do not reside in Lake Wobegon, where “all the women are strong, all the men are good looking and all the children are above average.”
Read Amy’s feelings about Sophie leaving for college here.
My dad stated that love of a child is the only love that grows to separation. We may feel lonely and grieved at a child’s leaving, but we want her to become an independent, successful human being, who will finally and emotionally call where she is “home” even if it is not close to us. This is one of the difficult tasks of living–whether it is our own growth into maturity, or allowing our child to grow and mature. Who said it is easy?
I love your direct approach. I believe that sometimes the moving out at 18 is too young. So much to grasp in such a short while. In my case, I did not think my sons would ever leave. They would move out and return. They were almost 30, when I finally had my house back. Guess it saved me from the lonely and grieving part. In Italy the sons never want to leave Mama. My sons are half Italian!
A beautiful and important story to share. I had similar experiences as a young mother, and could find very few people who didn’t give me their holiday card version of their young motherhood, even though I thought what they were saying couldn’t possibly be true. As you point out, this made me feel very alone with my feelings. As you know, I have my own “Sophie” who’s now 13, and I’ll be soon travelling in your college footsteps. Let’s hope it’s smooth for everyone involved.
This is a topic that really hits one of my hot buttons; the struggles and challenges of college studies, dorm life, going away from home for the first time, and learning to get along with others in a new environment are all part of growing up. It’s important to be honest about that. My daughter is going into her junior year at a UC, and it’s always a rocky road, just like real life. When I was a UC student 30+ years ago, same story. I know too many people who feel the need to brag about how awesome everything is with their kids, but it’s never entirely true. I believe our children’s journey is real life, and when we are more honest about it, we will find more support and encouragement along the way. Thanks StyleSubstanceSoul, for once again providing a forum for valuable discussion!
An honest mother is a good mother is my mantra. Thank you Amy. Will hold in my mind when I am dropping my first and again second off at college (or maybe not college…there is the honesty:). Xo
Amy,
Your article is so beautifully honest. I have found that at “our age” it is not only important to “live the truth” but to surround ourselves with others that also do. It is so disappointing to have a conversation with someone who says everything is “fine”, when the truth is there are always things that aren’t fine, and when we have the support of others during these times, the validation that we, or our children aren’t the only ones who’s life isn’t always perfect,, it is so comforting . I love your honesty, and I hope Sophie has a better year this year!!! xo
thanks, amy, for again sharing your feelings. when we sent our youngest, kyle, off to western michigan, i was so relieved that he had got his act together and had been accepted, was actually doing this, that i didn’t think about what the extra challenge was. because he was accepted late, he was placed in an upper-classman dorm which proved to be a good and bad thing. not being in a freshman dorm meant being away from the many ways of acting out that seem to go with the freedom of being a freshman. being in a dorm where most people knew who they wanted to hang out with already and didn’t feel like helping the new guy feel comfortable, let alone going to activities he might have wanted to attend for the first time AND leaving his bandmates behind… well he made his own bad choices and it was a lonely year, a very lonely year, for him. but he didn’t share that feeling with us for a long time. i hope it made him stronger for stepping into a new situation and surviving it! love you, c
Hi, Amy! I liked your piece on your daughter’s college experience. I’ve never understood the “contest” approach to life, particularly in terms of one’s children! I’m not perfect, nor is my kid; when asked, I am honest about things, too! Heck, my first semester at college was a disaster–and I was NOT the only one to botch it up! As far as separation goes, sending my daughter to college this year was much easier than sending her off as an exchange student last year–now THAT was a roller coaster ride… But interestingly enough, I think she appreciates us more after a year in a different family; she is much more “sharing” this year than last. Keep on telling it like it is. All the best from
Jane
Thank you all for your feedback and support. Based on the comments here, my email inbox and Facebook, the truth is alive and well. Once again, I am humbled.
Ironically as I read this article, I thought of Tracy Kesselhaut and our discussion about people living their truths, just yesterday morning! I wanted her to read this article and as I can see from above, she was already there…life is a journey with it’s struggles and beauty…thanks Amy
Transitions are perhaps the most challenging times for all of us but particularly when we are young and have yet to experience the satisfaction of living through one! Your acknowledgement of your (beautiful) daughter Sophie’s struggles with freshman year, and your struggle (albeit pride filled) with her transformation into adult independence feels familiar and is received with gratitude. Stylesubstancesoul at its vey best
Thank you so much for sharing this Amy. I learned a long time ago how much closer I felt to someone when they shared a problem or something they felt was a “negative” about their life. That taught me to not be afraid to share that side of me – it really does bring us much closer together than the “everything is hunky dory” attitude that seems to prevail around here. I love what Jane said about the “contest approach” to life – so true! Here’s to continuing to be authentic in everything we say and do and to surrounding ourselves with others who do also. As a PS – one of my children was extremely difficult from day one and I felt so alone most of the time because everyone else seemed to be having an easy time of it – how much better it would’ve made me feel if some of those playgroup moms had been more open about their experiences.
Wow. How refreshing! Honesty! I wish you were my friend. Sometimes I feel I am surrounded by Polly Annas…but it is probably just that competition rearing its ugly head. No one wants to admit to there being a problem with anything. That would make you a loser…or your child a loser. Everyone has ups and downs and while I love to celebrate the “ups” – I appreciate the honesty when someone can say it like it really is.
I can learn so much more from honesty. I begin to think I am the only one with worries, problems and dealing with things that go bump in the night. THANK YOU.