20 Notes to a Mother from a 20-Year-Old Daughter by Reid Kremer
A mother is a daughter’s prime role model for how to be a good person. Although she can be a little opinionated at times, I know my mother simply wants me to be happy, healthy, and successful in whatever I pursue. Her nagging reminds me that she cares.
So, to moms of twenty-year-old daughters, I’ve compiled a list of twenty thoughts you may want to keep in mind while assisting us through our pathway towards adulthood. To my own mom, just know that I love you, respect you, and appreciate everything you have done, do and will do for me more than you know. Thank you for being my crazy mother.
1. If I don’t know what is best for me, neither do you. I get it. You were once my age and, therefore, know what will make me happy. Wrong. You grew up in a different era under different circumstances and, most importantly, as a completely different person. I may not know who I am or what I want yet, but only I can figure it out.
2. Repeating, “You should get an internship,” over and over again does not increase my chances of actually getting one. I have come to loathe the word “internship.” Every time I hear that empty word, I flush it down my mental toilet. I know I need an internship. Unless you plan to help me find one, saying that I need one just increases my stress.
3. Try not to freak out. If I think that you are going to get hysterical when I tell you that I’m failing a class, then I am not going to tell you.
4. Either pick a side, or stand aside. Mothers are confusing. They have a tendency to change their opinions about what we should be doing with our lives. “Take summer school to get ahead,” followed by, “Don’t take summer school; it’ll burn you out.” I am confused enough as it is about the quality of my life choices. I don’t need you making it worse.
5. Don’t just offer advice, listen. My friends know when I’m on the phone with my mother because I fall silent. It’s not that my mom is a bad listener. She’s just a bad talker. Most mothers are bad talkers because they feel the need to impart their priceless wisdom on their innocent daughters. I appreciate your advice (sometimes), but occasionally I just want to vent.
6. Stop stating the obvious. I know you want to make sure I am doing everything right, but stop telling me all the things I “should” do. I “should” declare a major soon. I “should” eat better. I “should” get a job. I know this. Telling me does not help.
7. Stop complaining that I never visit home, and visit me. Are hotel rooms really that expensive?
8. I am terrified about my future, and your nagging me about it doesn’t help. Don’t waste a phone call on nags. If you really have to get it out, send an email. Then you can say it, and I can delete it.
9. I want to make my own decisions. If I don’t feel like I’ve made the decision to be a biology major completely on my own, then I am going to blame any unhappiness with school on you.
10.I still want your approval. If I am really excited about joining a rock band, support me.
11. I don’t need your approval. I am living on my own, far away from you. So, although I appreciate your support, I’m still going to do whatever I want.
12. I don’t love my boyfriend more than you, he’s just more interesting. He’s a lot cuter than you and can stay up past ten o’clock at night. But, don’t worry, you’re place in my life is probably more permanent than his.
13. Just because I am farther away doesn’t mean that I don’t still need you. When I’m really upset or stressed, there is nothing like the unconditional love of a mother to make me feel better. And, sometimes, I just need that gigantic mommy hug.
14. Let me make my own mistakes. I understand your desire to “save me” from making all the mistakes you did when you were my age. But, if I don’t make mistakes, then how can I learn and grow? Unless I am hurting myself or others with my decisions, let me be stupid. I’m twenty. I’m going to be stupid. I need to be stupid. I want to be stupid.
15. If I say I’m too busy to talk to you, it means that I’m too busy to talk to you. With school, friends, work, extracurricular activities, and trying to figure out my future, my days can be pretty hectic. I promise I will call you when I can, but making me feel guilty about not leaving anytime for you makes my heavy work load even more stressful.
16. Don’t be offended if I don’t call you for help. On my drive up to school this year, I missed an important exit and ended up lost. I called my roommate for help, not my mom because: a) I was afraid she would spend more time trying to figure out and explain how I got lost than actually helping me, and b) I wanted to feel independent from my parents. Don’t take it personally. Sometimes other people are going to be more helpful than you.
17. Let me be an adult. Stop commenting on the way I dress, the food I eat, and how I choose to spend my time. This was annoying enough when I was in high school. Now it just makes me not want to visit you. The more you comment, the less you see me.
18. Let me be a kid. After grueling finals, accept that I may just want to watch cartoons in my pajamas all day during my short break. I don’t have much longer to acceptably be immature.
19. Trust that there are things that I know more about. If I say that my advisor doesn’t know much about graduate school, believe me. Saying, “I don’t believe that,” doesn’t magically make it true.
20. Accept that I don’t know what I want to do right after college. Right now, I’m focused on doing well in my classes and graduating. Trust that I’ll figure out the rest when I come to it.
The eSSSence of Reid Kremer
Style: California chic. Fun jewelry paired with classy boots and a black pea coat.
Substance: Tea, food, laughter, music, reading, writing, running by the beach at sunset
Soul: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." - Oscar Wilde
Great post. You were talking directly to me. Regarding #12 however, I still think I’m more interesting.
-mother of a 22 year old
Thanks so much for this article. I just printed it out to share with my husband. My daughter, age 21, is graduating from college and I still have a lot to learn about letting her make her own mistakes and be truly independent. Your observations were insightful and very useful.
Fantastic, Reid!! I could hear MY daughter saying those same things to me! You really captured it all and reminded me of how I felt the same way towards my mother way back when. I still think you have the greatest mom, though:)
OMG, this is brilliant. You and my 22-year old daughter could be the same person. She has said all of these exact things to me! Congrats on an awesome article … I can’t wait to share it with others.
that was SO great! our 3 daughters are all in their 30ies and I want them to read this and tell me how they felt during their growing up years. To be honest, I don’t think I was any of those things! well, maybe one or two. You are right on, Reid!
Thanks for the eye-opener Reid! Those of us with boys can relate just as well! I’m sure my 21 year old son feels the same way as you do and my high school senior son is not far behind.
This is so RIGHT-ON!
This was/is still true for my daughter and it’s also a timely reminder regarding my interactions with 19 yr old son.
Thank you!
Fantabulous! Is that uncool? I am sure it is, haha. Sending this to my 20 yr old daughter, 22 yr old son and 23 yr old daughter.
Thanks, Reid.
Deborah Henry
You seem very self-centered and snarky. What ARE the subjects your mom can ask you/talk to you about??? Yikes.
Kind of surprised that Sara was the only one who found this snarky. Regardless, I am with her. Yes, moms may “nag,” and do all those other things you claim they do, but they do have your best interests at heart. By no means are we perfect, but as hard as this may be for you to wrap your head around…neither are you!
Sure, you’re mom could probably use to lighten up a bit…but so could you!
Fantastic article. Parenting brings out the Co-dependcy in mothers big time. It is most difficult to be available and know what to say and when. The children know the parents love them, but the parents must listen and speak briefly. I hate to say it, but I have to do the same with a 50 year old son. Parenting is a journey with no end, and sometimes our kids have to suffer a little with with us in the name of love. I keep trying!
Sorry baby – we were all 21 once too, and we all found parental advice a little irksome, and regarding #9, if you are likely to blame us for telling you what to major in, you’re just as likely to blame us for not telling you and claiming you were young and stupid and needed more parental guidance. There is no rule book for parenting, no right way to do it, and the responsibility is huge. Seriously, your mother is going to keep mothering you, and however she chooses to do it, you will not, at this tender age, like it. So just be glad that there is someone in this world who will love you no matter what you do, even if she has opinions about it. There will never be all that many people you can say that about.
Boy…do you have a lot of growing up to do….I am a mom of 4 girls and never would they have your attitude nor would they think they know it all…..save your 20 things article because when you have a 20 something daughter you will finally laugh at yourself….good luck
I work at Samford University, Birmingham, AL. And, yes, a lot of these statements are very true. I’ve noticed both the ladies and guys with a lot of the same issues. A lot with parents who truly care and others who just want to live their kids lives, i.e. “helicopter parents”, I need not say more.
Parents, please realize that your kids, our students, have others here on campus who look after them, and more so for those out-of-state. I have several young ladies who work here with us, and we look out for them, and give them the same advise that we would give our own kids. And whether the situation is personal or school related, we always tell them we are here to help, listen, whatever the case may be.
As a person who works at a University, I could probably come up with a good list….hmmm, something to think over.
Don’t know if you remember me Reid, but I’m taking notes from this for when I meet up tonight with my sons Ben and Sam in SLC for a little skiing. As they get older I find I have less to tell them. As parents we sometimes forget that you really can’t be what we want you to be, but that you must be, instead, as Thoreau said, resolutely and faithfully what you are.
Honestly I found this article somewhat immature…. Maybe you did not mean it to come off this way but you sound like a unappreciative brat.
Okay – so I loved your piece and could very possibly be your mom, although I try to never say “should” but I’m sure I do from time-to-time. I’m certain that you are really together kid and your tone worked for me as I’m not thin skinned and love to hear this kind of stuff.
Maybe you can write another list of what I can talk to my college aged daughter about. I am at loss of just what is okay and proper since she can take offense to the slightest “motherly” tone in my voice, no matter what the content.
Do keep writing, you have insight and talent!
Sure, you’re right – that last part really did seem like I was telling you what to do… sorry.
I think this is a WONDERFUL article! Reid, to have the courage to be honest with your mom is such a beautiful and open opportuntiy for a closer relationship! Oh how I wish I had been as aware as you and said things to my mother that should have been said. You are talented and bright, and obviously you love your mom because you gave her enough credit to listen to you and to grow with what you offered. ‘Protecting’ someone from growth is not health, and it is not seeing them a whole human beings. I wish you the very best of what life brings your way~
You are a terrific writer. I would LOVE to have your Mother or someone else from my generation compile” 20 notes to a daughter from a middle aged Mother.” Having raised 4 children, now ages 28-39, I think there are two sides of this relationship that need to be shared! Just a thought…..